Today while driving, a song by one of his favorite bands came on on a mix CD she made me. It was kind of sweetly ironic, in the sort of way that makes you want to lead-foot to 80 in a 25.
A lot ran through my mind, honestly.
One thought being, that it has been hard for me to listen to any songs by this band, because in a way, he ruined it for me. Anymore, I am very careful about sharing certain likes of mine when it comes to music, because of this reason. I am always worried that someone will come along and then something will happen, leaving me unable to listen to a certain song or band. It's happened before, and will probably happen again. That's life. But the thing with this band is, I never really listened to them before I met him. Because when I met him, this was his favorite band at the time. So I looked into them, I wanted to be able to talk about his favorite music with him. Well, honestly, I wanted to be perfect for him, I wanted to be seen by him with the star-struck doe eyes that I saw him in. Lately he claims, he did, but looking back on that conversation and events since then, I highly doubt it. It hit me next, that it's been three years since we first start to talk. I like how we have come almost full circle twice since, strangers, lovers, strangers, lovers, strangers again. But three years. Three years. He has been renting out major land in my head, land that he isn't paying for, I am. It's like my mind is held hostage from me, more or less, without his knowledge and nothing either of us can really do about it.
As the song went on, a light bulb clicked for me. It explained a lot, I suppose, but seeing as this happened about an hour ago, I am still toying with the idea in my head, turning it over and over, poking and prodding it.
I am in love with the old him.
A very simple statement, a very simple realization. But it is often the simplest of things that escape us. How I had not stumbled upon this thought earlier, I do not know.
I am in love with the old him. When he loved this band, a band that now he can barely stand- I can't listen to this band because it reminds me of the him I knew, the him I fell so extremely hard for, while I can listen to the music he adores today because I am not attached to this new him. Yes, I know, people change, I've changed. It happens, it's life, there's no stopping it. But this is a drastic change, one that never needed to happen. And when I see or talk to or think about him now, I still think I am with the old him. The him I first met, the him I love. If the things he says now were true, had I known them back then, I could have saved him. I could have prevented so much of pain in his life. I could have kept him him. But instead, people and the world fucked him over. Changed him into a vastly different person. I don't want to sound anymore cliche than I already have, but he really did lose his innocence. The bright eyes, the somewhat positive attitude.
He even said he could have skipped whole chapters. If only I had known.
But as I realized that I am in fact still in love with the man he used to be, my eyes swelled up with damp tears. Because being in love with the person someone used to be is like being in love with someone who is dead, except, they are, in fact, still alive and every time you see them you are reminded of the person they were, the person you loved, but no longer have. You live with their ghost. And if that isn't heartbreak, then I don't know what is.
- A
